"It's not a brain tumor Patrick, you just need glasses".
The words rang out, in fact, they echoed in my head as I breathed in a sigh of relief in the doctor's examination room.
Hmm. Glasses.
Sigh.
I was on the phone with a friend of mine this morning and she said something that really had me thinking. "My problems are nothing compared to yours". I know what she meant, but she's wrong. Life doesnt stop just because someone gets sick. It hasn't stopped for me. I still have issues, I'm looking at student loans that need to be paid, rent being raised -- all the usual stuff. None of that stops. You don't get a pass when a family member is ill. That fact is that I am dealing with this situation yet again doesn't mean that my friends can't still have job problems, relationship crises, and their own medical issues. Life goes on.
Two years ago, my dog of 13 years died, a week alter my father passed away, and 6 months later, lung cancer took the life of my mother. Tough? Yeah. But I think that I've dealt with it very well. It is still a shock at times, when I see pictures of both of them and realize that I can never call them, hug them, or see them ever again. I've come to terms with that outcome yet I still can't help but feel numb at times. Just when I thought that things were moving in forward motion, I am hit with yet another unfortunate circumstance. As of the last two weeks, my aunt, who has been my saving grace throughout this while situation has become ill. She is the last remaining member of my family, other than my siblings, that remain here in Seattle. I've been struggling the last week as to how to go about writing this blog entry and I've come to the conclusion that I am just going to let the words flow naturally and see what results in the end.
When something like an illness happens, society tells you that you are supposed to protect and support the person going through it. Your first instinct is to take care of said person going through it. The second, which follows closely behind, is a feeling of "who's going to protect ME from this"? The struggle is really selfish, but it's human. It's what causes us to be strong with our relatives and friends then go home and curl up in fetal position when no one can see. And the worst part is that the person whom you want to support in their struggle is the person who has a much bigger fight to fight.
Having been through this personally, I have to say: People get nervous around the idea of death even though it's inevitable, but when you love someone and you are given the gift of being able to be a part of something so intimate, you learn more about the strengths of your loved ones more than you ever thought was possible. And IF the illness takes the life of someone you love, there are equal amounts of brutal sadness and a profound respect for the person who actually fought the fight.
Every once in a while the thought of "why me" creeps into my head, but I've decided that I won't be wasting anymore time thinking that anymore. I don't have the time or energy for it. Instead I try to think about the old saying, "We aren't given the burdens we deserve, we're given the burdens we can bear".
After all is said and done, I have work to do. And I am going to try my darndest to make sure that I do it right this time.
PS- Some lady reversed and hit my car today.
Yay.
